I can go without sleep and food. [They nod and start walking to his cabin, making sure to neither outpace him or let him outpace them. They let their arm brush his occasionally, then shift further away until they start feeling the malaise.] How does this feel?
[It feels like the first few days of a death toll. They fall back into step with him until they feel almost normal, not touching him intentionally, but not pulling away from accidental touches, either.] I think I prefer Floods that affect our minds. [They might not dislike this, but the ones that affect their mind tend to be interesting.]
I prefer ones like this. This, I can ignore. [Now they're right next to each other, occasionally brushing hands, he feels normal. But he could tough it out if Avalon wanted some distance.]
[Part of them wants to see how far they can get before the effects are unbearable, but it can wait. They can function like this.] Breaches feel pointless to you, right? What about Floods?
They happen to you, too, in a way, like an unnaturally long and realistic dream. [At least, that analogy makes sense to them. They can sometimes feel others dreaming, but they never have dreams of their own.]
[They know what it feels like to have more memories than a human could have, but not conflicting memories.] Mine used to feel like I could get lost in them. It felt less pointless, but my other self felt more real than I did.
I think that's part of the problem. Sometimes I feel like I'm just playacting at being a person and the Breach memories I have don't have that problem.
Doing what you did is a bad thing. My job is to help you do something else, whether you still have the ability to do what you did or not.
[They scan the cabin doors around them, trying to see if they recognize his. After a moment, they pull out their orb, tiny peach ribbons curling out from its center.] Have I told you about this yet?
It shows me what I feel, which…is usually not much more than this, even if I were to kill someone right now.
What keeps me from doing what you did is analytical knowledge of right and wrong, an understanding of what killing again would cost me, [their job, their purpose, their relationships,] and the fact that it goes against who I want to be now. Not guilt. If I had tried to rely on eventually being able to feel more, I never would have graduated.
[Just like they did, he felt like he had no other option.]
What does it cost you to see yourself as a weapon? [Knowing what he did is enough for him to feel like a bad person, and whether or not he would do it again might feel less relevant.]
A lot. A weapon doesn't have... needs. Emotions. My handler would just point me in the direction they'd want to and off I'd go. I wasn't really a person.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-06-30 10:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-01 06:05 pm (UTC)I can go without sleep and food. [They nod and start walking to his cabin, making sure to neither outpace him or let him outpace them. They let their arm brush his occasionally, then shift further away until they start feeling the malaise.] How does this feel?
no subject
Date: 2025-07-01 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-03 05:34 pm (UTC)[It feels like the first few days of a death toll. They fall back into step with him until they feel almost normal, not touching him intentionally, but not pulling away from accidental touches, either.] I think I prefer Floods that affect our minds. [They might not dislike this, but the ones that affect their mind tend to be interesting.]
no subject
Date: 2025-07-03 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-08 03:16 pm (UTC)[Part of them wants to see how far they can get before the effects are unbearable, but it can wait. They can function like this.] Breaches feel pointless to you, right? What about Floods?
no subject
Date: 2025-07-08 06:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-09 07:52 pm (UTC)They happen to you, too, in a way, like an unnaturally long and realistic dream. [At least, that analogy makes sense to them. They can sometimes feel others dreaming, but they never have dreams of their own.]
no subject
Date: 2025-07-10 01:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-14 04:40 pm (UTC)If you look at them like they are happening to you, what changes?
no subject
Date: 2025-07-15 02:51 am (UTC)They seem more real, for a moment, but then... they're too much. They scare me.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-18 06:56 pm (UTC)[They know what it feels like to have more memories than a human could have, but not conflicting memories.] Mine used to feel like I could get lost in them. It felt less pointless, but my other self felt more real than I did.
no subject
Date: 2025-07-19 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-21 04:14 pm (UTC)What makes your Breach memories different?
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Date: 2025-07-21 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 10:39 pm (UTC)Because they lacked the ability to do something like what you did.
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Date: 2025-07-25 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-27 05:53 pm (UTC)Doing what you did is a bad thing. My job is to help you do something else, whether you still have the ability to do what you did or not.
[They scan the cabin doors around them, trying to see if they recognize his. After a moment, they pull out their orb, tiny peach ribbons curling out from its center.] Have I told you about this yet?
no subject
Date: 2025-07-28 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-04 07:59 pm (UTC)It shows me what I feel, which…is usually not much more than this, even if I were to kill someone right now.
What keeps me from doing what you did is analytical knowledge of right and wrong, an understanding of what killing again would cost me, [their job, their purpose, their relationships,] and the fact that it goes against who I want to be now. Not guilt. If I had tried to rely on eventually being able to feel more, I never would have graduated.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-04 09:50 pm (UTC)And I don't want to kill someone. It's not... I don't like doing it.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-07 03:34 pm (UTC)[Just like they did, he felt like he had no other option.]
What does it cost you to see yourself as a weapon? [Knowing what he did is enough for him to feel like a bad person, and whether or not he would do it again might feel less relevant.]
no subject
Date: 2025-08-07 04:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-09 05:56 pm (UTC)You saw yourself as a killer and she used you as a weapon. You never had a chance to see yourself as a person.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-09 06:25 pm (UTC)Not for... for about a century, yeah.
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