[They know what it feels like to have more memories than a human could have, but not conflicting memories.] Mine used to feel like I could get lost in them. It felt less pointless, but my other self felt more real than I did.
I think that's part of the problem. Sometimes I feel like I'm just playacting at being a person and the Breach memories I have don't have that problem.
Doing what you did is a bad thing. My job is to help you do something else, whether you still have the ability to do what you did or not.
[They scan the cabin doors around them, trying to see if they recognize his. After a moment, they pull out their orb, tiny peach ribbons curling out from its center.] Have I told you about this yet?
It shows me what I feel, which…is usually not much more than this, even if I were to kill someone right now.
What keeps me from doing what you did is analytical knowledge of right and wrong, an understanding of what killing again would cost me, [their job, their purpose, their relationships,] and the fact that it goes against who I want to be now. Not guilt. If I had tried to rely on eventually being able to feel more, I never would have graduated.
[Just like they did, he felt like he had no other option.]
What does it cost you to see yourself as a weapon? [Knowing what he did is enough for him to feel like a bad person, and whether or not he would do it again might feel less relevant.]
A lot. A weapon doesn't have... needs. Emotions. My handler would just point me in the direction they'd want to and off I'd go. I wasn't really a person.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-07-18 06:56 pm (UTC)[They know what it feels like to have more memories than a human could have, but not conflicting memories.] Mine used to feel like I could get lost in them. It felt less pointless, but my other self felt more real than I did.
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Date: 2025-07-19 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-21 04:14 pm (UTC)What makes your Breach memories different?
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Date: 2025-07-21 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-25 10:39 pm (UTC)Because they lacked the ability to do something like what you did.
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Date: 2025-07-25 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-07-27 05:53 pm (UTC)Doing what you did is a bad thing. My job is to help you do something else, whether you still have the ability to do what you did or not.
[They scan the cabin doors around them, trying to see if they recognize his. After a moment, they pull out their orb, tiny peach ribbons curling out from its center.] Have I told you about this yet?
no subject
Date: 2025-07-28 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-04 07:59 pm (UTC)It shows me what I feel, which…is usually not much more than this, even if I were to kill someone right now.
What keeps me from doing what you did is analytical knowledge of right and wrong, an understanding of what killing again would cost me, [their job, their purpose, their relationships,] and the fact that it goes against who I want to be now. Not guilt. If I had tried to rely on eventually being able to feel more, I never would have graduated.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-04 09:50 pm (UTC)And I don't want to kill someone. It's not... I don't like doing it.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-07 03:34 pm (UTC)[Just like they did, he felt like he had no other option.]
What does it cost you to see yourself as a weapon? [Knowing what he did is enough for him to feel like a bad person, and whether or not he would do it again might feel less relevant.]
no subject
Date: 2025-08-07 04:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-09 05:56 pm (UTC)You saw yourself as a killer and she used you as a weapon. You never had a chance to see yourself as a person.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-09 06:25 pm (UTC)Not for... for about a century, yeah.
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Date: 2025-08-11 05:20 pm (UTC)Did you talk to Tendi?
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Date: 2025-08-12 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-12 05:04 pm (UTC)What does she think of you, now that she knows?
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Date: 2025-08-12 05:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-13 07:54 pm (UTC)What stops you from agreeing with her? Does she have a different definition of making up for it or improving than you do?
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Date: 2025-08-13 08:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-14 08:49 pm (UTC)It takes time. [It takes time to adjust to any new view of yourself.]
What would being redeemed look like to you?
no subject
Date: 2025-08-14 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-15 10:41 pm (UTC)Reaching a destination is difficult if you have no idea where the destination is.
What do you think it means in your situation?
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Date: 2025-08-16 01:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-17 11:40 pm (UTC)I think part of it is remembering how to be you.
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