"I guess that makes it work." He pauses for a long moment, but he can't help but ask... "Did you ever... do anything to the bodies, after you killed them?"
“No. If I had, it would have been harder for me to stay hidden, and my methods relied on that.” They might have wanted to make a ritual of doing something to the bodies. “You wanted to be seen.”
They gesture to their own file. “Let me know what you think.” If sees himself as irredeemable, will he also see them that way?
"I wanted to send a message. And I did." He reads over Avalon's file, closely. "This... is not what I would expect, for a warden. But you clearly graduated, so. Maybe there's hope for me, if you could do it."
His feelings about his own sins are too emotional and guilt-ridden to be objective at all, but Avalon's are... a large pile of bodies, even if it's stretched over a longer time than he's been alive. If the Admiral thought that warranted redemption, maybe he's not totally lost, either.
If there was no hope for Zakalwe, the Admiral would have left him to die, the same way he would have left them to die.
“What do you think you need to graduate?” He might not have all the pieces, but if one of his goals matches one of the Admiral’s goals for him, they can start there.
He's actually avoided killing on the Barge. Partly through luck, partly on purpose. "Not one-on-one, but not long before I arrived here, I came up with a plan to drop a large space ship on a city. I... I ordered them to stand down. To not do it. I couldn't let them kill like that. Not again."
“How did it feel to do that?” His file had said something about needing a wider range of emotions. His emotions feel like how Rawne had described his, like Zakalwe has forced himself to feel a few emotions in order to avoid feeling something else.
"At the time, I was rather numb. I wasn't feeling much at all. My handler had just told me I'd been supposed to lose, not win as I'd been doing." So he disassociated and went out to nearly die. "Afterwards, I was relieved."
“It was important for you to do what your handler wanted.” Since it was his job, it makes sense, but it seems like he let her dictate everything. “What about what you wanted to do?”
“I think your handlers were wrong to view you as a psychopath,” Avalon says, after a moment. “If you were a psychopath, others’ thoughts on what you did would mean nothing to you, and you would never have worked so hard to avoid guilt.”
"I guess so," he says, "they... they viewed themselves as above me, I think. More civilized. Because I wasn't from the Culture. They didn't know about... what I did. The Chair."
Sma had judged him just for his propensity for violence and ruthlessness.
“Do you think it could help you connect with someone, or show you that not everyone who knows will think of you as a monster?” As far as they know, he was rejected by the only other person who knows about it. They might not think of him as a monster, but being his warden is one of the reasons for that.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-02-22 03:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-25 06:46 am (UTC)“No. If I had, it would have been harder for me to stay hidden, and my methods relied on that.” They might have wanted to make a ritual of doing something to the bodies. “You wanted to be seen.”
They gesture to their own file. “Let me know what you think.” If sees himself as irredeemable, will he also see them that way?
no subject
Date: 2025-02-25 01:41 pm (UTC)His feelings about his own sins are too emotional and guilt-ridden to be objective at all, but Avalon's are... a large pile of bodies, even if it's stretched over a longer time than he's been alive. If the Admiral thought that warranted redemption, maybe he's not totally lost, either.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-04 03:22 am (UTC)If there was no hope for Zakalwe, the Admiral would have left him to die, the same way he would have left them to die.
“What do you think you need to graduate?” He might not have all the pieces, but if one of his goals matches one of the Admiral’s goals for him, they can start there.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-04 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-09 07:28 pm (UTC)“You have yet to kill anyone here.” At least, as far as they know. “You have enough separation from it to be here without killing.”
no subject
Date: 2025-03-09 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-11 03:42 am (UTC)“How did it feel to do that?” His file had said something about needing a wider range of emotions. His emotions feel like how Rawne had described his, like Zakalwe has forced himself to feel a few emotions in order to avoid feeling something else.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-11 01:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-28 10:22 pm (UTC)“It was important for you to do what your handler wanted.” Since it was his job, it makes sense, but it seems like he let her dictate everything. “What about what you wanted to do?”
no subject
Date: 2025-03-28 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-04-07 06:09 pm (UTC)“Would you have dropped the ship if she had told you to win?”
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Date: 2025-04-07 07:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-04-19 05:14 pm (UTC)“I think your handlers were wrong to view you as a psychopath,” Avalon says, after a moment. “If you were a psychopath, others’ thoughts on what you did would mean nothing to you, and you would never have worked so hard to avoid guilt.”
no subject
Date: 2025-04-19 05:49 pm (UTC)Sma had judged him just for his propensity for violence and ruthlessness.
no subject
Date: 2025-04-24 07:17 pm (UTC)“Does anyone on the Barge know about the Chair?”
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Date: 2025-04-24 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-05-04 09:56 pm (UTC)“Do you think it could help you connect with someone, or show you that not everyone who knows will think of you as a monster?” As far as they know, he was rejected by the only other person who knows about it. They might not think of him as a monster, but being his warden is one of the reasons for that.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-04 10:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-05-05 02:37 am (UTC)“Nothing changed about how I see you when I read your file,” they say. “It could go well. It can wait until you feel ready, though.”
no subject
Date: 2025-05-05 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-05-07 05:38 am (UTC)“I think Tendi would be accepting.” She may not know about their murders, but she was accepting of their emotions.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-07 01:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-05-11 04:30 am (UTC)“Let me know how it goes, if you decide to do it.”
no subject
Date: 2025-05-11 01:58 pm (UTC)