After they read his file, Avalon waits for their item to show that their inmate is in his cabin. They show up with both his file and theirs. Several hundred tiny, blood-red beads coil up their arm, starting right above their item.
Maybe they should wait, but this is important. They need to know his version of the story, not just the Admiral’s. They want to see how he reacts to the Admiral’s, to the file’s delivery, to the way that it tells them what he did without telling them much about how he got to that point. He knows his reasoning, and the Admiral knows the events. They need both.
They go to sit down on the bed again, setting both files next to them. “From what I can see, you and I did similar things to end up here as inmates. You might have some of the same struggles that I have, but your file focuses more on what you did and less on why you did it. So I want to see if anything in my file is familiar to you.”
They run their fingers over their bracelet. “I was also a killer before I was brought here, and I borrowed identities for it.” They think he took Zakalwe’s name for a different reason, but the parallel makes sense to them. “I have no idea how the Admiral decides the pairings, but those types of connections seem to be part of it. My warden had dealt with struggles that were similar to mine, too.”
"I guess that makes it work." He pauses for a long moment, but he can't help but ask... "Did you ever... do anything to the bodies, after you killed them?"
“No. If I had, it would have been harder for me to stay hidden, and my methods relied on that.” They might have wanted to make a ritual of doing something to the bodies. “You wanted to be seen.”
They gesture to their own file. “Let me know what you think.” If sees himself as irredeemable, will he also see them that way?
"I wanted to send a message. And I did." He reads over Avalon's file, closely. "This... is not what I would expect, for a warden. But you clearly graduated, so. Maybe there's hope for me, if you could do it."
His feelings about his own sins are too emotional and guilt-ridden to be objective at all, but Avalon's are... a large pile of bodies, even if it's stretched over a longer time than he's been alive. If the Admiral thought that warranted redemption, maybe he's not totally lost, either.
If there was no hope for Zakalwe, the Admiral would have left him to die, the same way he would have left them to die.
“What do you think you need to graduate?” He might not have all the pieces, but if one of his goals matches one of the Admiral’s goals for him, they can start there.
He's actually avoided killing on the Barge. Partly through luck, partly on purpose. "Not one-on-one, but not long before I arrived here, I came up with a plan to drop a large space ship on a city. I... I ordered them to stand down. To not do it. I couldn't let them kill like that. Not again."
“How did it feel to do that?” His file had said something about needing a wider range of emotions. His emotions feel like how Rawne had described his, like Zakalwe has forced himself to feel a few emotions in order to avoid feeling something else.
"At the time, I was rather numb. I wasn't feeling much at all. My handler had just told me I'd been supposed to lose, not win as I'd been doing." So he disassociated and went out to nearly die. "Afterwards, I was relieved."
“It was important for you to do what your handler wanted.” Since it was his job, it makes sense, but it seems like he let her dictate everything. “What about what you wanted to do?”
“I think your handlers were wrong to view you as a psychopath,” Avalon says, after a moment. “If you were a psychopath, others’ thoughts on what you did would mean nothing to you, and you would never have worked so hard to avoid guilt.”
"I guess so," he says, "they... they viewed themselves as above me, I think. More civilized. Because I wasn't from the Culture. They didn't know about... what I did. The Chair."
Sma had judged him just for his propensity for violence and ruthlessness.
“Do you think it could help you connect with someone, or show you that not everyone who knows will think of you as a monster?” As far as they know, he was rejected by the only other person who knows about it. They might not think of him as a monster, but being his warden is one of the reasons for that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Spam
After they read his file, Avalon waits for their item to show that their inmate is in his cabin. They show up with both his file and theirs. Several hundred tiny, blood-red beads coil up their arm, starting right above their item.
Maybe they should wait, but this is important. They need to know his version of the story, not just the Admiral’s. They want to see how he reacts to the Admiral’s, to the file’s delivery, to the way that it tells them what he did without telling them much about how he got to that point. He knows his reasoning, and the Admiral knows the events. They need both.
Re: Spam
no subject
“Not just yours. I think it might help you to read mine.” And there are a few parts where they think they need more information.
no subject
They can't have done anything like what he's done.
no subject
They go to sit down on the bed again, setting both files next to them. “From what I can see, you and I did similar things to end up here as inmates. You might have some of the same struggles that I have, but your file focuses more on what you did and less on why you did it. So I want to see if anything in my file is familiar to you.”
no subject
no subject
They run their fingers over their bracelet. “I was also a killer before I was brought here, and I borrowed identities for it.” They think he took Zakalwe’s name for a different reason, but the parallel makes sense to them. “I have no idea how the Admiral decides the pairings, but those types of connections seem to be part of it. My warden had dealt with struggles that were similar to mine, too.”
no subject
no subject
“No. If I had, it would have been harder for me to stay hidden, and my methods relied on that.” They might have wanted to make a ritual of doing something to the bodies. “You wanted to be seen.”
They gesture to their own file. “Let me know what you think.” If sees himself as irredeemable, will he also see them that way?
no subject
His feelings about his own sins are too emotional and guilt-ridden to be objective at all, but Avalon's are... a large pile of bodies, even if it's stretched over a longer time than he's been alive. If the Admiral thought that warranted redemption, maybe he's not totally lost, either.
no subject
If there was no hope for Zakalwe, the Admiral would have left him to die, the same way he would have left them to die.
“What do you think you need to graduate?” He might not have all the pieces, but if one of his goals matches one of the Admiral’s goals for him, they can start there.
no subject
no subject
“You have yet to kill anyone here.” At least, as far as they know. “You have enough separation from it to be here without killing.”
no subject
no subject
“How did it feel to do that?” His file had said something about needing a wider range of emotions. His emotions feel like how Rawne had described his, like Zakalwe has forced himself to feel a few emotions in order to avoid feeling something else.
no subject
no subject
“It was important for you to do what your handler wanted.” Since it was his job, it makes sense, but it seems like he let her dictate everything. “What about what you wanted to do?”
no subject
no subject
“Would you have dropped the ship if she had told you to win?”
no subject
no subject
“I think your handlers were wrong to view you as a psychopath,” Avalon says, after a moment. “If you were a psychopath, others’ thoughts on what you did would mean nothing to you, and you would never have worked so hard to avoid guilt.”
no subject
Sma had judged him just for his propensity for violence and ruthlessness.
no subject
“Does anyone on the Barge know about the Chair?”
no subject
no subject
“Do you think it could help you connect with someone, or show you that not everyone who knows will think of you as a monster?” As far as they know, he was rejected by the only other person who knows about it. They might not think of him as a monster, but being his warden is one of the reasons for that.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)